How to Recognize and Deal with Toxic People

Not sure who or what you’re dealing with? I’ve seen it all.

Hello readers,

Do you give people the benefit of the doubt only to be confused by their motives? Are you a generous person? Do feel guilty for saying no to people when they ask for favors? There’s an old saying to follow. “No good dead goes unpunished.” Toxic people hide in plain sight. I’m not saying to search for the negative. I’m an optimist, but I admit I’ve given others more credit than they deserved.

In my book, Run Girl Run, Tracie, my teenage protagonist, escapes a toxic home only to run into other unsavory characters. She uses her wits to solve a family secret and to survive an invalidating world. Though the story sprung from my imagination, my experience helped me to write realistic scenes.

I’m going to show you how to spot the offenders. When I’m done, you’ll have a better grasp on the topic. You’ll recognize a toxic person a mile away. Better yet, you’ll know what to do to stay safe. For simplicity, I’m going to use the pronoun she in my examples. Males can be just as toxic.

#1. The Bossy Person/ Controller

• Is the controller your boss or just bossy?

• If she pays you, she’s the boss. If she’s legally responsible for you, a parent or police officer, she’s in charge. Teachers fall into this category, also. In business, this may be someone with the upper hand in a contract.

• If she’s not your boss, and you’re not on her payroll, in school, under arrest, or living under her roof, controlling behavior is unacceptable. (Horrible bosses exist, and you may be able to implement some of the advice if you find yourself in a foul workplace.)

• Sometimes we enter unequal relationships. Someone feels superior to you, and wants to wield their power. They may have something you want or need, and they’ll never let you forget it. You must decide how you want to deal with the situation.

• Coworkers, family members, business associates, clients, classmates, and friends may fall into the controlling category.

• Handle a controller with these easy responses. This works well on bossy coworkers.

  “Thanks for the tip.” ( And hopefully they’ll stop.)

  “I appreciate your input, but I’ve got this, thank you.”

  “I’m not comfortable with changing my method unless instructions come from _________. (You get to fill in the blank with a name. )

  “Thanks, I’ll take that into consideration.”

  “Thanks for sharing.” ( I also use this when I’m sincerely thankful for the advice. )

• Sometimes nodding in agreement and saying nothing serves one best. Little annoyances aren’t worth fighting over. If the controller drives you crazy, simply change your environment or avoid her.

#2. Watch out for the narcissist.

The narcissist is, in my opinion, the most toxic. I could write 10 blog posts about these nasty types.

A narcissist behaves like a spoiled child.

This person makes everything about her. If you have a problem, she’s had it worse. It’s impossible to have a conversation with her. She won’t let you get a word in edgewise. She’ll constantly direct the discussion on her topic of interest. If she asks about you, she doesn’t want to hear your news. Hers is important, not yours. You’re only there to listen, to prop her up.

Narcissists love to yank chains, and she’d drag you across a bed of thorns if she could get away with it. She has a short fuse and overreacts at the drop of a pen.

Inappropriate behavior includes, but isn’t limited to belittling comments, backhanded compliments, lying, cheating, gaslighting (trying to make you believe her lies when you know damn well what you read, saw or heard.) She’s prone to fits of rage, sometimes in public. She’ll try to limit your contact with friends or family, punish you, and constantly control you. Punishment often includes trying to make you feel like you’re crazy or not good enough.

On the surface, narcissists can appear charming. Many claw their way to the top of the corporate ladder, destroying careers of anyone who stands in their way. Their secret weapon— hiding behind a mask.

Those who have never been her target will believe she’s the best. The narcissist will surround herself with people who will defend her, vouch for her good character, and often do her dirty work.) In return, she’ll lavish praise on her supporters. You can find her in the political arena, too. She needs an audience. She’s a hard worker and is often well-liked. Most people can’t spot her. She goes after the people who can.

• Here’s how to deal with a narcissist.

Behind the narcissist’s mask, you’ll find a bully. If confronted, respond, don’t react. That means to control yourself, even if she shouts at you. Here are some suggestions. Only use the following if the offender isn’t physically violent.

If you are under a verbal attack, in public, here’s what you say. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. Could you repeat that slowly?” Everyone within earshot will turn and look. The narcissist cares how this appears, and she’ll likely knock it off. If she has the nerve to blurt out another insult, here’s what you say.

“ Oh! Are you trying to hurt my feelings?”

Or you could say, “Are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? Why would you say that?”

Another response might be this. “I’m not going to let that in.” Then dispute her words with your own truth.

And finally, if the above fails, you can say this. “Thank you for sharing. And while we’re sharing, did you know that critical people reserve the most criticism for themselves. They don’t like themselves. Your behavior is showing me and everyone else that you’re your own worst critic.”

If she continues to rant, go silent. The toxic person will try to make you lose control. Remain calm, no matter what happens. If you’re being harrassed, call the law or hire a lawyer to fight on your behalf.

If you’re in a romantic relationship with a violent narcissist, run, don’t walk away. Narcissists don’t change, but they will beg, plead, and promise the impossible to keep you in a sexual relationship. It’s just manipulation. Don’t fall for it…moving on.

#3. This social butterfly makes your business everyone’s news.

The drama magnet or drama queen thrives on gossip.

• The Drama Magnet

• Conversations start with, “You want to know what I heard?” And they end with someone, usually a friend, neighbor, or coworker being thrown under the gossip train. A disaster follows.

• Sometimes, this person comes to you with what was said about you. Truth be known, she’ll eventually behead herself with that sharp tongue. But not fast enough.

• She feeds off your reaction and will twist anything you say for the next listener.

• Here's what to do.

• Don’t encourage her. Anyone who will spread gossip about someone else will do it to you. End the conversation. She gets no joy when no one listens.

• If the bad news is about you, respond with, “ What did you say when ( he/ she ) said that about me? I find it disturbing, but even more so if you didn’t defend me.”

#4. Vampires only take and never give.

• This person is often disguised as a friend.

• Do you know someone who calls to dump their problems onto you? When you get off the phone or away from her, you feel like she has zapped all your energy. You may feel bad for her, but you can’t save her.

• You can’t do enough for this person, so limit your time together.

• She’ll put a guilt trip on you, but don’t land in her trap. When that didn’t work, she may bully you.

• This works better than garlic.

• Set firm boundaries. If you don’t want to help her, tell her. She’ll look for another person to manipulate.

#5. Liar liar, panties on fire!

Most people tell a few white lies to keep from hurting someone. This person tells so many, they forget who they told.

• Lying is a way of life

This person lacks self esteem, and loves being a professional victim. She wants to be rescued. Sometimes she’ll blame you for her problems. If you don’t help her, she’ll try to put you on a guilt trip.

People who lie don’t stop. Limit your time with this person. For every lie you caught her in, she’s told 100 more.

• Cut ties.

• Friendships are based on trust. Don’t trust this person. If you can, cut ties with her.

Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker, once said we are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with. Is that true? I’m not 100% certain, but I believe our friends and family have some influence. I also believe people can fall into more than one noxious category.

I’ve seen them running in packs, like hyenas. If you find yourself outnumbered, get the heck away from them.

Toxic people travel in packs like hyenas.

• And that’s a wrap. Thanks for sticking with me until the end. I realize this post is longer than my previous articles. I’m sure you know at least one of the above. Sometimes the toxic person fits into more than one category. If there’s a type I missed, drop a comment. I’d love to hear from you.

• If there’s a subject want me to blog about, leave a suggestion below.

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